American Compass has called on sociologists, pundits, and crisis managers to decode the Tiger Woods speech. Behind that stiff, choreographed show on Friday was a boy crying for help and attention. Thank God his mommy was there. Below, we have the consensus opinion on the words behind the words. But please, if you’re prone to hero-worship, please, PLEASE, stop reading now!

Tiger Woods:

Good morning. And thank I knew you‘d be for joining me today.

For, all but 6 of Many of you in the room are my friends. Many of you in this room thought you kneow me. Many of you are paid to have cheered for me, or worked for with me, or supported me. and But now, every one of you has good reason people outside this room have the audacity to be critical of me.

I want to say to each of you in this room, simply, and directly, please keep a straight face today. It’s us against them. They’re desperate to hear me say that I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in. All of our  careers depend on how convincing our performance is today.

I know people want to find out how I was able to hide for so long that I could be so selfish and so foolish. People want to know how I could have done these things to so easily kept my wife, Elin, and to my children in the dark. Thank you everyone in the room today for helping me make that happen. But the secret’s out. And while I would never have had to do something so embarrassing as this beforehave always tried to be a private person , there are some things I want now have to say.

Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behaviorwere on the brink of divorce. As she pointed out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words cost millions. It will come from my behavior over time future endorsements and PGA tour victories. We Our lawyers have a lot to discuss. However, what we say to each other will remain between the two of us, as our lawyers have arranged.

[OK, look serious now everyone, just like we practiced] I am also aware of the pain my behavior has caused to those of you in this room. I have let you down. I have let down my fans. For many of you, especially my friends, my behavior has been a personal disappointment. To those of you who work for me, I have let you down, personally and professionally. My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners. [I've still got my A game!]

To everyone involved in my foundation, including my staff, board of directors, sponsors, and most importantly, the young students we reach, our work my continued endorsements is are more important than ever. Thirteen years ago, my dad and I handlers convinced me that envisioned helping young people achieve their dreams through education would be a win-win. Thank God I listened. For, This work makes me look like a good guy, instead of a sex-addict. remains unchanged and will continue to grow. From the Learning Center students in Southern California, to the Earl Woods Scholars in Washington, D.C., millions of kids have changed their lives, and I am dedicated to making sure that continues.

But, stillnowadays, a publicity stunt like the Tiger Woods Foundation is no longer enough. I know I have severely disappointed all of you. I have sex with pornstars, then I claim to be helping your kids. I have made you question who I am and how I have done the things I did if I have STDs. I am an embarrassmented that I have put you in this position. For all that I have done, I am so sorry. But please don’t take away my endorsements. I need that money. I have a lot to atone for.

But there is one issue Elin’s lawyers have forced me I really want to discuss. Some people have speculated that Elin beat the crap out of somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night. But, our legal agreement requires that she be held without blame. So, here’s the legal truth: It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. She never hit me that night or any other night. There has never been an episode of domestic violence in our marriage. Ever.

Elin, if you’re listening out there. Our babies need a daddy. Nike isn’t paying me millions to be a sex-crazed divorcee. Please come home. You’ll get your cut. Trust me. Have I ever lied to you? has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal. Elin deserves praise, not blame. The issue involved here was my repeated irresponsible behavior. I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated. What I did is not acceptable. And I am the only person to blame. I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in.

I‘m told knew my actions were wrong. But I convinced myself that normal rules didn’t apply to me. I never thoughtcared about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself (and still do – Gotta win more majors). I ran straight through the boundaries that a regular married couples should live by. I thought I could was getting away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I‘m felt I was entitled. Thanks, to money and fame, – you’re my only true friends. I didn’t have far — didn’t have to go far to find them.

[OK, listen in suckers:] I was wrong. I was foolish. I don’t get to play by different rules. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me. I brought this shame on myself. I hurt my wife, my kids, my mother, my wife’s family, my friends, my foundation, and kids all around the world who admired me.

I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I have done. I’ve been so alone the past few months. Heck, even ho’s won’t come near me now. My failures loneliness and public reproach have made me look at myself in a way I never wanted to before. It is now up to me to make amends. But you must believe And that starts by that I will never repeating the mistakes I have made.– It is up to me to start that  I will be living a life of integrity. Everything depends on the public buying this speech that some agency wrote for me.

[How many more paragraphs of crap do I have to recite?]

I once heard — and I believe it is true — it’s not what you achieve in life that matters, it is what you overcome. Achievements on the golf course are only part of setting an example. Character and decency are what really count. Parents used to point to me as a role model for their kids. I owe all of those families a special apology. I want to say to them that I am truly sorry.

[I'm worth a billion dollars, can't someone else read this for me?]

Now, I have It is hard to admit that I need help. But I do. My handlers sent me For 45 days, from the end of December to early February, to I was in inpatient therapy, for Christ sake (actually it was sex-addict camp – Boo-Yeah!). receiving guidance for the issues I’m facing. I‘ve got a ticket back to sex camp after today’s performance: the semester’s not over, and I still have a long way to go. But I’ve taken my first steps in the right direction.

As I proceed, I understand people have questions. I understand the press wants me to — to ask me for the details of the times I was unfaithful. I understand people want to know whether Elin and I will remain together. Please know that as far as I’m concerned, sex camp comes first. every one of these questions and answers is a matter between Elin and me. These are issues between a husband and a wife.

Some people have made up things that never happened. They said I used performance-enhancing drugs. This is completely and utterly false. (Wait, do ecstasy and Viagra count?)

Some have written things about my family. Despite the damage I have done, I still believe it is right to shield my family from the public spotlight honest truth. They did not do these things. I did. I have always tried to maintain a private space for between me and my wife and children. They have been kept separate from my sponsors, and my commercial endorsements because it used to be my money. , when my children were born, we only released photographs so they … so that the paparazzi could not chase them.

However, my behavior doesn’t make it right for the media to follow my 2½-year-old daughter and tell her that I have sex with prostitutes and pornstars. to school and report the school’s location. They staked out my wife and pursued my mom. But, they don’t know anything. Whatever my wrongdoings, for the sake of my family, please leave my wife and kids alone. They weren’t even there when I had my sex parties.

[Look sincere, Tiger]

I recognize I have brought this on myself. And I know above all I am the one who needs to change. I owe it to my family to become a better person. I owe it to those closest to me to become a better man. That is where my focus will be. I have a lot of work to do. And I intend to dedicate myself to doing it.

Part of following this path for me is Buddhism, which my mother taught me at a young age. People probably don’t realize it, but I was raised a Buddhist, and I actively practiced my faith from childhood until I drifted away from it in recent years. Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security. It teaches me to stop following every impulse and to learn restraint. Obviously, I lost track of what I was taught.

[Buddhism, what a load of hooey]

As I move forward, I will continue to receive help because I have learned that is how people really do change. Starting tomorrow, I will leave for more treatment and more therapy. Sex camp is my only place to hide.

I would like to thank my friends at Accenture (Yeah right, these guys owe me money) and the players in the field this week for understanding why I am making this – upstaging them with these remarks today. In therapy, I have learned that looking at — the importance of looking at my spiritual sex life and keeping in balance with my professional life. My Dad first taught me that. I was already doing that. I was winning tournaments, making money, having threesomes. I need to regain my balance and be centered so I can save the things that are most important to me: my marriage endorsements and my children public image.

That also means relying on others for help. I have learned to seek support from my peers in therapy (I’ve met a lot of nice peers), and I hope someday to return that support to others who are seeking help (I’ll be out of therapy soon).

I do plan need to return to golf one day. I just don’t know when that day will be the public will allow it. I don’t rule out that it will be this year. When I do return, I need to make my behavior more respectful of the game secret than ever.

In recent weeks, I have received many thousands of e-mails, letters and phone calls from people Nike expressing good wishes. To everyone sponsors who has reached stayed with out to me and my family, thank you. Your encouragement means the world to Elin and me. I want to thank the PGA Tour, Commissioner [Tim] Finchem and the players for their patience and understanding while I work on my private life taking a backstage to my story. I‘m look forward to seeing scared of the reaction of my fellow players on the course.

Finally, there are many people in this room and there are many people at home who believed in me. Today, I want to ask for your help. I ask you to find room in your hearts to one day believe in me again buy Nike, buy EA sports, buy Tiger Woods merchandise. Thank you.